Dad...

Death truly is not a part of the way things should be.

Although I always knew this as a fact, I have been experiencing it more since losing my dad and discovering just how stressful losing one’s parent can be.

God truly has been so gently, carrying me through.  My anxiety has been challenging, yet I have felt His peace and was able to successfully sing a Christian song, I felt led to share, at dad’s funeral on Monday.

Even with this tragedy occurring there has been so much of God’s amazing love present.  Love shown in smiles, hugs, kind words, sympathy, understanding, forgiveness, reconciliations, re-connections and stronger connections occurring.

When I first found out the news about my dad ending his life, I was very shocked.  The news impacted me with a sense of despair…I was hurt and confused and just kept praying, asking for help from The Lord to get me and my siblings through this most difficult time.

My dad had told me not so long ago that although he believed in God, he did not hold to the Christian faith in Jesus Christ.  This had devastated me personally.  It left me confused, as he had been supportive of my faith and pursuit of ministry, but also with more of an understanding of him as an individual person.

I am not going to tell you that I have ALL the theological answers to life’s questions for that would be foolish, because the truth is, there are things that I don’t have full understandings of and that I also don’t need to have full understandings of, for they are God’s business ~ like the life of each individual.

I have had the scripture in mind that speaks about not saying who will or will not ascend into heaven in mind, along with the fact that God is always good and just…this has helped me process that I don’t need to decide the outcome of my dad with The Lord, and remember that I can trust Him with the souls of all people, including my dad.

Last week in the lead up to the funeral, I was busy preparing DVD tributes for our dad, while suffering with grief, some guilt, and confusion.  After the DVDs were made and my children were off to school, I went back to bed and ended up having a vivid encounter or visitation dream of my dad.  I’m sorry if I’m using the wrong name or term to describe my dream to you, it’s just what I discovered people call them when I google searched, as I’ve never had a dream like this before, I wasn’t sure what to call it.

I had heard my mum talk about dreams like this before, but as I said, I have never had such a dream before or since.  I was having a usual dreaming sleep with weird, random stuff happening (which isn’t unusual for me).  I was in a room which was meant to be my bedroom (yet wasn’t) and I looked over to the corner of the room.  There was my dad, relaxed, at peace, in a green velour armchair.  He did like to recline, and as I said he was relaxed, and peacefully watching me…but then in my mind things changed.

 

My dream changed to where it was VERY vivid.  I was totally myself, I knew I was asleep and dreaming, yet my awareness was like in real life.  Instantly, I was like, ‘Whoa what’s going on?’.

Even though in my mind I felt I knew what was happening, I had to verbalise it in a question to test things.  I asked my dad something like; ‘Why are you here…how is it I’m getting to see you like this?’

He simply replied, ‘Because God allowed it.’

I went up to my dad, squatted and hugged him across His chest.  I began to cry.  I said to him, ‘I love you daddy.  I am sorry daddy I wasn’t a better daughter.’

He cried too, and I sensed he regretted what he had done and the pain it had caused.  I let go of him and walked a bit away, I knew when I looked back he wouldn’t be there…and yes, when I looked back the armchair was empty.

I began to cry a lot more, but my dreaming was no longer vivid and so I fought to wake myself up.

When I awoke fully, all I could say was; ‘Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus’ and cry for real, for the dream was so real to me.

I am not trying to convince you of anything with this post…I am just sharing my experience with you.

I still have questions and grief but the dream did leave me with more peace, as I was glad I was able to see my dad at peace, embrace him and say sorry.  I never used to call my dad, daddy, yet he had always called me daddy’s girl…the dream has given me more comfort in my conviction that God is always good and just and that I can fully trust Him always with the souls of all people.

Does God want us to have peace and healing with Him NOW in our current state of life by responding to Him through Jesus Christ?  Indeed, yes and I will never believe otherwise, for He is the source of everything good and provides us with a hope that is unmoveable, even if shaken.  He walks with us through the fiercest storms and never forsakes us – praise His Holy Name forever!

Melanie.